I want to say it’s hard to believe I haven’t blogged in over a year, but considering the year we’ve all had, well, I was a bit distracted, to say the least.
March, I got COVID. Worst flu-like thing I’ve ever had. I remember thinking, “I’ve never been this sick before!” It took a few months before I realized that’s what it was. My lungs are still a bit angry with me, but I got an inhaler to assist.
COVID crashed my system. There are articles coming out, now, about the post-COVID malaise, the long-term effects of this virus. As someone who’s had CFS/ME for 20 years, I recognized these symptoms right away as those I live with. CFS/ME is caused by a viral infection — mine was in 7th grade — and COVID is definitely a virus. I’ve been deeply saddened by this; this disease is no joke, with most of my energy devoted to keeping my body functioning. A good analogy I saw on Reddit: During a flare, my mitochondria are on vacation and I have no idea where. Between them, they’re planning their next vacation.
In mid-June, I stopped working. My fatigue was so bad, I couldn’t do much more than lay in bed and read. My migraines attacked and those daily, always-have-it headache deciding to up the ante. Most of the second half of last year, I was curled up in bed in a dark room, trying to read on my iPad because my vision was so blurry, I couldn’t read anything on my phone. Or use my phone. I couldn’t text or keep up with social media. My world shrunk to my bed, my nest of pillows and blankets.
Unfortunately, migraines are hard to get short term disability for. So I wasn’t getting paid the 6.5 months I wasn’t working. I drained my 401K (listen to me, so adult now!), borrowed from family, and was lucky to get a grant through work. I just made it every month, but constantly stressed about overdrafting and affording food. This was all very hard to communicate, since I didn’t have the energy to reach out.
Do not dispair, though! I found an amazing doctor who is handling my migraines — I’ve been trying treatment regimes, and now I can’t move my forehead or frown because of botox! So far, it’s helping, but we won’t know for sure for a few weeks. I’m still pending MRIs and a lumbar puncture to see what the pressure in my head is, as we susspect I’m leaking cerebrial spinal fluid.
How I feel most of the time. May not be the best drawing, but I’m more about expression over perfection these days.
Yes, my life is such fun.
(If you get that reference, I love you.)
I also was diagnosed with two more health issues. So three for 2020!
I’ve done so much art, written poems, written about life and what’s going on in my Book. I’ll tell you more about that later. I’m back at work and feeling much better. Yes, a lot of my hair fell out from a medication, and I have to be careful about what I take together and when, but I’ve got this. I’m handling it all. I’m able to think clearer these days, and get on tasks….as long as I can space them out!
I’m incredibly protective of my energy these days, and don’t socialize much. I’d rather play sudoku than stare at my phone. I work in my art journal every day. I’m trying new things and I think it might be time to share.
My approach to blogging may be a bit different in the coming days. The three categories you see over there are what I’ll primarily be blogging about. I’m not limiting it to just art — this is my little online diary, and something is better than nothing. Maybe getting things out into the world will help me feel less alone and disconnected. Someone will read these words. I hope.
I have a video exporting to share what’s in my pencil case, which is everything I use these days. I have one of those tables that goes over your bed, and that’s where I work (I’m sitting on my bed right now, pillows supporting my back, with random episodes of Nightwatch playing in the background). No desk, no fancy studio. Just a girl, art supplies, and a desire to make art despite all that should be working against me.
And you should, too.
With love,
Samie