"Restless"
7" x 9" Mixed Media on paper
I think this piece really reflects how I've been feeling lately -- restless. After being cooped up in the house for a few weeks with my shoulder and stylish arm-sling, I'm feeling the itch to get out in the sunshine and feel the grass under my bare feet. I haven't visited my usual "haunts" for awhile; my stock of preferable papers and paint is running low. Of course, not working for two weeks has seriously depleted my funds, and miscalculations with the 'zine shipping had me going into my pocket to make sure they got out.
Today, I wasn't lucky. I got out too late and all the shops were closed. Perhaps the universe is trying to tell me something -- stick with what you've got and get more only when you've depleted your supply. All my paper is in the box my ceiling fan came in; I've got it separated into different kinds, but it's full of paper just itching to be used. Now is not the time to be selective.
Last week, in-between all the post-distribution glee, I got my denial letter from Social Security. It was a blip on the radar, then, but now the very real reality of what it means has had time to settle in. I didn't go into it thinking I'd get approved the first time around -- does anyone? -- but having something like that printed in black and white is different. Looking through it, I saw they used the records from a doctor I haven't seen in over two years instead of my current doctor and specialist, which makes me angry and wonder where their sense is. Next week, I have to find a law office to help me through the appeals process because I'm too tired and foggy to handle it on my own. I missed an appointment for the whole thing -- I'm sure rescheduling it, or hell, finding the place, isn't daunting to most people, but for me, well....it never got done.
After a lot of thought and soul conversing, I decided not to take on a class this fall. At this point, I'm only confidant to teach a workshop, and I don't even know if people'd be interested in that. September starts the new season for the county's art league and I'm aiming to join up, hoping it'll help with networking and getting some pieces up around the county, as they are the ones who decide that sort of thing.
Makes me wonder, though, how accepting they'll be of a girl who enjoys odd collages, bright colors, and non-traditional approaches. Then again, there IS a guy who paints rocks.
I've been feeling wobbly on my feet. Perhaps it's due to my impatience, my want to grow and become something more...I feel that perhaps I've nothing left to offer, that I'm plateaued -- stuck up here where the view is nice and everything's comfortable. Hrmmm. All I can do is keep making the art I want to make and offering it up for view here on the web and see what happens.
Here's my little soul conversation. Feeling down and morose, I randomly mixed an eye-pleasing purple and spread it about, adding in some magenta later on. I glued down what was at hand and began doodling around the edges to get my flow started. I've found it's often like a fountain pen -- if you don't use it for awhile, you've got to clean it out and keep it moving until the ink flows again.
While I was doodling, head resting on my hand, a voice began to speak in my head. With each swoop, it got louder and louder -- and so did a meaner counterpart. One was telling me to be brave, to go out there and be something while the other began to cower and hide and say all the negatives, all the do-nots. I let them talk it out on the page, a practice I'm going to try to adopt into maybe a daily meditation.
Maybe it's just this back-to-school season that's got me thinking -- I'm still where I was back then, just older, now. I've never been one to truly accept the whole "I'm disabled" thing and give myself a break.
Maybe I should. Just this once.
I've updated my flickr page with a batch of new journal pages and a fun self-portrait.
Also, Page by Page is available for purchase. I'll keep it up until I run out.