beginnings of a dig

Ugg. Am tired. Spending the night sitting in the nice chair, watching movies in my pajamas, using only my hands, some double sided tape, and a bunch of random papers and cut-outs to create some journal entries. I have watercolor crayons and colored pencils to keep me colorful.

This flare-up snuck up on me, and drinking this afternoon at my nephew's birthday party didn't help. Oh, the pitfalls of such an existence.

I've just started reading Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach after snatching it from the Just In cart of my local used bookstore (such a fantastic find!). I've never been one to read such structured books as I should; instead of taking 12 weeks for The Artist's Way, I ate it up in about two weeks. I much like SARK's books, how she encourages you to read out of order, or simply to sleep with the book under your pillow while you nap (and absorb through osmosis). It's an approach I've adopted in my journal, working out of order, writing and collaging when I want on pages that appeal at that moment.

The book has me thinking about things a bit differently, even after three days. For one, I've started a gratitude journal, or, rather, am using my Morning Pages journal for the simple nightly list.

There are things I want to explore more. Spirituality has escaped me as of late, and I want to dig deep and see where my spirituality truly lies, past religious labels society forces us to take, to conform to. How do I see the world and that Divine Power that weaves this tapestry called life? Can I really learn to release control and trust said Power? Will doing so bring previously unseen prosperity? I want to know the answers to these questions! I love the artwork of Christian icons -- I recently saw some idols for the Greek Orthadox Church and just loved them (despite not being a Christian myself). There was power behind those images that I want to capture in my journal.

I want to excavate through my uneasiness to find the root of my feelings of displacement. I feel stuck, someplace I shouldn't be, and continue to think of my time in California and those feelings of euphoria. But I want to be a person who's happy and content wherever I may be, find beauty and joy in each situation I'm in, no matter how dire.

I feel as though my journaling has evolved, from the whining of a young girl to the records of city life, to art, and now, to a joining of the two. The papers and images I'm playing with tonight are all things that appeal to me -- colors, images, patterns, etc -- that make me happy. Hopefully, by building entries this way, I'll discover those things that DO make me happy. Colors. Styles. Images. I don't want things that look "pretty." I want things with heart, with meaning, if only to me. Heart.

Ahh...blather. But this is a journal, too, isn't it? A different kind, but a journal nonetheless, and by putting such thoughts on the internet, I feel a bit more accountable to follow through.