A fractured reality / grace under pain

Well, you asked for it! *G* Here's a bit of my "darker" side; a page that isn't collage or pretty illustration. I worked on it yesterday, starting with a sketch, and painted it later. At first, I was working as I usually do, "coloring" with paint while jiving with the music I had playing, but near the end, I threw caution to the wind and started working instinctively. Each dash of red came from inside. My Inner Critic was shouting at me in the beginning, yelling, "Stop! That doesn't look right! You painted a pretty girl and now you're ruining everything."

27/365: fractured reality/grace under pain

But I pushed past it. Started making strokes that weren't even or straight or "right." They came from someplace inside that rose up inside me and took over. I was no longer fully in control of my hands; I watched them make marks and paint and express what I keep simmering inside. There is so much anger there, so much sadness. It is the place that hates God and had me turn away from Him at the beginning of high school (around the time my pain started and I got my diagnosis). At Church, I feel that small ember of faith burn and tears come to my eyes when I watch others living in deep faith, but I can't go there, I can't do that. I am so angry at God, it brings tears to my eyes. Everything I believed about life, about the good and faithful succeeding. I feel so limited and TRAPPED. Trapped in this body that can do so little while so much goes on in my head. I wish I could do half the things I come up with -- half the things Spirit has bestowed to me. Wasted gifts?

I've had yesterday and today off from work. Yesterday, I watched a America's Next Top Model marathon. Today, I want to sit and curl up and pour my heart out onto paper. It won't be "artful," but I need it. I need to write things down and sort things out and be by myself.

I am so confused and lost when it comes to faith that it's coming out everywhere in my life. Woe!


I'm participating in Creative EveryDay; seven days' worth of creativity are up on my flickr page.

The second part of Word Soup will be posted tomorrow! *G*