{faith & love & being raw and open....on a blog?!}

How do you like the new navigation bar? I'm hoping to add more features to this blog in the coming weeks.

The above is also October's wallpaper! Head on over to get a copy for yourself!

Faith is a tricky thing. When you face your worst days, you often wonder where the Divine presence went -- weren't you just here with me, chatting about a new painting? About that cute pouch we're going to make together?

Hello? Are you there?

Yesterday was a hard day. A VERY hard day. I had no grace. I sobbed at work. I upset someone. Got bad news about my car and pending disability case. If there were ever a definition of hysterical, yesterday was my day to fill it. Every time someone hugged me or told me it would be okay, I broke down. Those deep, hitching, oh-my-God-I'm-sobbing-at-work tears that waterproof mascara was designed for.

And as I sat there sobbing, I prayed. Dear Divine, what the hell has gone wrong? Weren't we having an awesome time together?

When I got home, I was sent to bed. I felt like the heroine in some 18th century novel. "Oh, she's hysterical. Bed rest." Add in the doctor with his bag and bad beard and someone guarding the door, and BAM, I'm a Jane Austin character.

Which isn't half bad, if only for the wardrobe.

This morning, I woke up and took ten minutes to clear the dried tears from my eyes. Bounced back. Except for the rain, that my knees predicted yesterday, I'm doing well. Feeling much better. Did I just have a breakdown?

Last night, while watching recorded programs to distract myself, I drew. And not the girls I usually do -- those are done quickly, with little shaded detail -- but took the time to draw deep eyes. I swear, the second one took twenty minutes to get just right. And tears took over the page. In fact, I sat down to write this blog update three hours ago....and then was distracted by wanting to color the drawing with paint, and have spent the time shading. I think spending more time on this one has brought me more solace than a good night's sleep.

And I was daring. I drew her without clothes. Just the top! But still, this was hard for me, as nudity is an uncomfortable subject for me, even art-wise. I just felt something guiding my hand, telling me to expand to this uncomfortable and daring territory, to push through it and get it on the page. And I felt better. I'd challenged myself. I may never show it to anyone, because I don't know how it would be received, but I felt empowered as a woman and believer in a feminine Divine.

I don't know why I'm writing this -- I had something else in my head to write -- but know I had to. Lately, my blog has been a place to think on the page; writing for myself is okay, and I do it often in my journal, but longer writing, like this, only seems to flow when I know it may have an audience. Does that make any sense?

Okay, moving on!

The painting above was done on this new gessoed art board by Speedball. I was intrigued, and let me tell you, I DON'T like it. Really. I'm used to canvas and paper and maybe even canvas board. But the texture on this, the way the paint performed, I don't like it at ALL. But I finished anyway, wanting to complete something, and love what came out. I'm looking for deeper symbolism in my work, so it's beginning to come out. Slowly!

But the faith. Yes. I'm trying to work on a book. And I need the faith to take suggestions and improve on things, not be discouraged by them from an editor. That I've even gotten to that point is a good thing! But I find my voice is not "original" enough, that I don't have it down just yet. *sigh* More work, more prayer, more art. Isn't that what life's about?

And now, I'm off to play in my journal a bit more before going out with friends. Isn't that what life's about, too?