{off and on ramblings}

Nothing long and philisophical today. Yesterday was a doozy, and I haven't written in days. Which means I'm severly behind on NaNo and half of me really just wants to give up at this point -- have you ever run into resistance and fear so hard, you're knocked back on your ass? That's me. Even though I've made a few breakthroughs and really found some new stuff inside myself, I still am afraid. And the internal censor has come out in full force, telling me it's all no good and ramblings and why stress about it, anyway?

Sometimes, I really hate that guy!

The other doozy has been switching medications, which has me going through withdrawl AND side effects from the new stuff. Not. Fun. I don't reccomend it. I seriously thought I had swine flu this morning, I was feeling so sick. And I embaressed the shit out of myself at work last night.

As you can tell, I'm swearing a lot. Please forgive me.


Right now's the first time I've been pumped to paint in a week. My journal was full of backgrounds and collages, but I've pretty much doodled and written on all them. Do you ever get that itch that you need to get back in the studio? Everything's bundled up inside and you're going to explode if you don't paint or play with paper? It's overwhelming and hangs over you until you finally make time for yourself. I feel like that's my guardian angel telling me I'm meant to do something.

A lot of journaling happening at work (yay! that is a shot from a table at my Starbucks...now you see where I spent 28 hours a week or so). Has anyone seen these new atyouSpica pens? They are absolutely AMAZING! I found a new scrapbooking shop while driving down to help some friends move and they had them...well, I just HAD to grab one to try and MAN I wish they weren't so expensive or else I'd have every color of the rainbow. Oooo sparkly!


This page did NOT turn out the way I thought, but has a LOT on it. I think it says all that I'm feeling. I started crying last night when I told my friend, "I'm so worried about these side effects because this is the first time I've felt "normal" in years and it scares me I might have to give that up again."

It is hard. It feels foreign. I'm scared. My life has been this constant struggle with limits and pain, and now I feel a fog lifting and what now? I'm like a newcomer on an alien world. And I'm afraid that the drugs will make me FEEL better, and I'll go past my limits, and then things will get worse and GAH! Too much thinking!!

I'm going to stop rambling and finish a painting. I just got hit with an idea of where it's going. If only I could finish the larger one next to it...

BY THE WAY: I have five four journal slots open for the holidays. CUSTOM JOURNAL anything goes. I know all the binding styles but Japanese and can do pretty much any size, paper type, and cover. You can pick a color scheme, let me pick, or get a fabric cover. Prices vary by type. But I'd love to make some yummy presents for you all!