{and spin it into reality (reverb - 11)}

December 11 – 11 Things What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?


Can I take a pass on yesterday’s prompt? It isn’t because it’s too hard or I don’t want to answer it: simply, I don’t know how to.

The way I work #reverb10 is to read the prompt as it comes in the night before and think about it  all through the day. Not writing it in my head as I’m prone to (because then it’s out of my mind and yet not on the page), but dwelling on it. Living with it for a bit. And by the time I sit down here, I’ve got some idea of what direction I’ll be going in.

Yesterday’s threw me for a loop. Two days, and I’m still as directionless as before! So I’m keeping it on the back-burner, hoping another essay in the future will help me figure it out and complete it before month’s end.

I do, however, have a few ideas for this list.

1. Forgetfulness. Not entirely, as it’s pretty much unobtainable for someone who has bouts of Fibro Fog every week, sometimes every day. But in two distinct areas: writing things down and prescription management.

I’m sure having some sort of day-planner organizational system that I stick with would make my life much easier and keep me from making plans with two people on my father’s birthday (which happened yesterday). It would also help keep me on top of deadlines, milestones, and to-do lists. How do I know this? I had a pretty sweet system going back in February and March, but soon abandoned it. My life needs a certain degree of elasticity, and having a ridged daily structure and then not being able to keep to it make me feel pretty guilty. So I need to figure out a system that works for me.

And prescription management. Today, I went without a dose of medication that has my head pounding. I could avoid this by keeping on top of things. See paragraph above for how this could be done.

2. Judgements. I know we all like to think we’re not judgmental people, but the truth is - and you know this as well as I - that there’s a little voice we’re trying to squash deep inside of us. I don’t care about where it came from, or rational arguments to justify its existence. Instead, I want to move forward and try to be more in the moment, more grounded, more connected to the Divine to help keep me from rash judgements when my temper’s flaring.

3. Addiction. Someone close to me is battling this beast, and I don’t want to give the wrong idea - I defiantly don’t want them to be magically cured, nor do I want to cut this person out of my life. Rather, I need a healthier way to deal with this, and I already know that way - I just need to follow through more than once and awhile. My health is adversely affected by stress, and I need to move on or figure out a better way or something to help deal with this weight in my heart.

4. Doubt. While my faith doesn’t have scriptures to follow to help get me through those dark times, I do love the beauty and grace of the Psalms. I need to remember I’m not alone, and that big cliff that sometimes appears often has a set of wings on the edge for me to take and a net to catch me if I fall. I need to stop doubting myself, the world, and my intentions.

5. Pop. Or soda. Or soda pop. Or Coke, depending on your region/country. When I gave this up a few years ago, I lost a lot of water weight and felt a bit better. And while I’ve severely cut down my intake of high fructose corn syrup (from a normal American diet to maybe 5% of what it was), I’m still a worshiper of Diet Coke. And who isn’t? It tastes amazing, gives you a jolt, and is easy to grab when you don’t have any clean cups because you’re reenacting the little girl’s water glass obsession from Signs in your apartment. My cousin gave me a great recipe for iced tea that doesn’t require sugar or any substitutes or chemical synthetics, my friends drink tea, and I’m allergic to coffee. I think if I can kick the Diet Coke, I’ll be good. But I’m also afraid it’ll become like those tossed-out mops and dusters in Swiffer commercials, and stalk me while wearing googlie eyes.

6. Insomnia. Please? With a cherry on top? I really need to get to a sleep cycle my body and I can agree on that leaves me feeling more rested than this game of chicken we’ve been playing. I’ve fallen into a 1am-10am cycle and wish I could go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. I adored my nice 12am - 8am thing I had going for a lot of 2010, and hope to leave insomnia behind.

7. Shopping as Coping. Whenever I feel awful, I shop. Which is fine - for most people. When your spine feels like it’s trying to impale your brain and your hip’s decided it’s time to leave for Florida on a daily basis, this means a need to shop all the time. For stupid, silly stuff that I often toss when purging my drawers after I lose something important. I have some kind of addiction to going to stores and buying things - half the time, I wander around, wasting time, not buying a damn thing. My landscape becomes that of my favorite shops, and I wish, I wish I could go hiking or be painting or write during the time I’d regain by working through this problem.

8. Bags. If you’ve met me, you know. I have too many of these and while moving has weaned down my collection, I totally look at purses whenever I go out. Seriously. I need less baggage.

9. Assumptions.
I am reminded of one of the Four Agreements: Don’t assume anything. This may require less tact in certain social situations, but I need to stop assuming things about peoples’ reactions to my actions. I often dream up the worst, over-examining things, driving myself insane. This mostly pertains to my mother, who isn’t as terrible as I’ve made her in my head, but there are friends in general I need to let be themselves instead of trying to predict the worst.

10. Inactivity. I’ve already started bike-riding more and more as I get more comfortable with my body, but I need to get out there every day, if only to walk. You know how all these great books on creativity talk about taking daily walks and their magical powers? I know that works - I’ve done it. But despite nodding my head and thinking, I can totally do that, too! while reading the books, I never actually do it. Something always comes up. Like a really interesting TV show or laundry. I need less inactivity and more activity in my life in 2011. Just sitting here to write this entry has my head feeling better than all those hours of “resting” while watching The Walking Dead.

11. Avoidance. Get it done, darling. Stop delaying those email replies, those projects you dream up, those bills and collections calls. Avoiding these issues won’t make them go away. Be gentle with yourself, realize you need to work on it, and get to it. Because no one else will do it for you.

Baby steps. Self-love. A day off. Joy. Spontaneity. That’s how you take a big list like this, that could easily overwhelm, and spin it into reality. As my mother says, “Don’t take life too seriously, you’ll never get out of it alive anyway.” Do your best, and let the past stay behind you as you walk on. 

I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to all the wonderful tweets, re-tweets, comments, emails, and blogs thanking me or commenting on my essays. I never meant to do anything other than be true to myself and maybe a few long-time readers, and wow...just know each and every one is read and treasured and gives so much more than the time it takes to leave one.