a journaler's identity

When I look back at my various journals created over the last three years, they look like the work of different people – different versions of me. While we all believe in one singular personality (and any deviation’s considered unhealthy), I believe we have several different shades existing within us. Think of the different threads that make up one length of embroidery floss; all those tiny strands are the same color and length of the whole, yet alone, they are weaker. Each variation of ourselves needs the others in order to survive.

These aren’t autonomous parts – I’m not going to begin speaking as though I’m Kira and Sally and Mary (though I do have a split in my life between Samantha and Kira; let’s not go into that now). What they are is a bit more complicated – I think they are pieces trying to figure out where they fit.

Yes, many pages look different because time means experience and new discoveries. I certainly don’t use all the same things I did when I began. But there are different frames of mind; sometimes, I want to be simple yet messy, others, bright and full of bits of paper.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with finding a single thread that connects all my work. You know what I mean – how you can look at a piece and just know who did it (or inspired it). It’s something I know must come in time, and can’t be forced – but I feel a bit lost when sitting down with my journal. I don’t know where I am or where I’m going – there are too many trees (distractions, likes, styles, etc.) and I’m so fascinated by the beautiful canopy, I never really look where I’m going.

Over the last few months, I’ve been brainstorming ideas for a possible online class. I really, really want to teach but haven’t a clue as to what I could that hasn’t already been covered – I can’t see what I have to offer as it’s common knowledge to me already! Anyway, as I’ve been journaling, I’ve been brainstorming and thinking and all that rolled into one in that pressure cooker called a brain.

I want to find my journaling identity. Who I am and how that’s translated to the page. How do I go about creating pages? What are the colors that appeal to me most and what do they mean? Why do I sometimes use magazine images and other times do my own illustrating? I want to learn the answers to these questions – I feel as though exploring myself as an artist and a journaler, I’ll become better at both.

So that’s what my pages will be reflecting. Come along for the ride, or, better yet, watch me and then let me lead you in the new year.

Love,
Kira

P.S. Remember! Comments are open on the giveaway until around 10pm my time (that’s when I’ll be closing them). Don’t miss out on the cute gift!

P.P.S. Oh! And I filmed a new video tonight -- all about balance, design, and handwriting. Look for it this weekend!

Happy Yule to my brothers and sisters who celebrate!

in which i ramble about journaling mojo and the lack thereof...

Arg! Lately, my laptop’s been dying without giving me the Low Battery warning; I wrote half an entry and then BAM, black screen.

Anyway, where was I (and I’m writing this one in Word, so as not to lose it; plus, my internet’s down)? Ah, yes. Snuggling in blankets. Yes. Have you done that recently?

Maybe it’s a winter thing, but I love wrapping myself up in a nice blanket, putting something fun on TV or grabbing a good book, and just….becoming still. In fact, right now, I’m in a blue blanket crocheted by my Mom. There’s something different about a hand-made blanket….it’s like you can feel the love that went into it.

Winter is quiet. When a thick blanket of snow covers the ground, when you can see your breath in a cloud, you can hear your soul speaking to you. These days, we’re all so focused on getting there faster, more efficiently – oh, how I’ve noticed this in customers at work! Everyone seems….obligated. As though they have to buy these gifts and are no longer enjoying the act of giving. Why? Is it because they’re simply doing it to be normal or right, or because they’re not taking the time to think about what they really should be doing. Does everyone require an expensive gift? Or can they make due with a beautifully written card, a small drawing, or a nice hand-me-down handbag?

Why do we all feel we need to buy things in order to be happy?

I admit, I’ve been a compulsive consumer. I used to fill myself with things rather than emotions – a quick patch fueled by credit cards I couldn’t afford. When I began collaging, I felt the newest or coolest paper and supplies would make the best art. And I soon filled an entire room with drawers of papers in all sorts of patterns, with every sort of embellishment I could find, with books of vintage images. But soon, there was just so much stuff, I found it overwhelming to create anything!

You’ve heard me talk about limiting your supplies; this is the direct result of being overwhelmed with supplies and papers and everything that I needed to get away. I love the challenge of working with less – it requires thinking differently, trying things that you haven’t seen before. Yesterday, I pulled out some wrapping paper I bought and used it in my journal – if I still had that room of papers and such, would I have thought to use some wrapping paper I found?

Probably not.

Let me tell you – painting on wrapping paper is HARD (see entry above!)! First, you can only use acrylics or dry-brushed gesso. Second, even colored pencils won’t work on it. And third, it is shiny, so you can’t work with direct light. While I adore the pattern, I probably will make a color copy of some pieces at Office Max or wherever and use those instead of the original paper (which I can now use for fun wrapping!). If I still lived my life thinking I needed to buy things to be happy instead of re-using what was already in my life, I would have missed out on that thrill of discovering something new – even if it wasn’t a pleasing discovery (then again, I usually learn many things while working, so I can’t say the page was a complete debacle).

I have been SO overwhelmed by emotion lately; my journaling mojo took a vacation, hoping to return when seas weren’t so turbulent. I can work myself into a frenzy, seeing everything as oh-my-God-do-it-now-or-the-world-will-end instead of stepping back, listening to myself, and acting from a center of grace and calm, and it can really stress me out. The whole ‘zine thing’s really had me stressed since the middle of November, so much so I considered walking away – I never knew the time commitment would be this much – I see now I was very naive about the whole thing!

Sometimes, I can’t journal about something – I just don’t know what to say. If I did, I’m sure the pages would just be spreads of colors, messy mixtures that wouldn’t be very appealing at all. No collage or writing or anything. Just color swished every which way. Unfortunately, I usually feel this way when there aren’t any paints around, and only in the middle of it can I capture the colors. I want to practice this more, working purely in color with no shapes, because I think this could be valuable to me – who says art is what we’ve already seen? Why can’t a journal be brushstrokes of color?

Is there a true definition of a journal, anyway?

Okay, I’ve rambled long enough. Sometimes, people tell me I should write a book – what could I possibly have to say? -- but every now and then, I get a bit long-winded! I have so many ideas and thoughts and inspirations on the topic of journals, I could go on forever! But this is a blog, and long entries can be trying on readers (which is why I always have pictures!).

Ooo! I’ve made a cute little pouch and am going to fill it with supplies – a dip pen and some ink – and SO want to give it as a present to someone. My own Christmas isn’t going to be much this year because of my mom’s recent stay in the hospital, so I have to create my own…and giving ALWAYS makes me happier than receiving. Comment by Friday, and I’ll use a random number generator to pick a winner.

Love,
Kira

Ps. New lovelies up on flickr; take a peek!

Mail mail mail

Tomorrow marks the all-important Get The 'Zines Out finish line; I'll be carrying my post office tub full of envelopes up to my local post office to get them out in the mail. Phew! I still have MANY copies available, if you're still interested. I made sure to print enough for back-stock.

And! This time, I'm not taking a break, so the next issue's already being planned.

This weekend's project is sending out holiday cards. Want one? EMAIL your address to me kira {at} journalgirl.com and I'll put you on the list.

G'night!

inner joy and fun!

Ugh! The internet here has been SO FICKLE; the Belkin router doesn't agree with my MacBook and randomly connects and disconnects. Don't even get me started on how long it takes to load pages -- it's why my posts have been showing up twice, since I'm not sure if the post went through or not!

I've been working a lot, as you'd expect, this being the holiday season. When not battling customers and shelving the never-ending pile of books left randomly around the store, I can usually be found snuggled in bed, blankets piled on to keep the cold at bay. There's a healthy stack of books piled on my floor, as well as random papers. Being tired means sitting at my desk and painting is a bit too much to fathom, so I've collected dry supplies to journal with. They come to work with me, too, for lunch break journaling.

The pages I've been doing lately are much different than what you're used to. When looking them over, I said to my mom, "I'm so afraid these are bad; they're not like my art, not at all, and I don't know if they're anything." Instead of focusing on seeing beauty, I'm focusing on feeling beauty. I don't know how to describe it; when working in my journal lately, I get this extra smile -- it's not on my face, but in my heart. A light joy bounces through me and I feel lighter.... God! I haven't felt this before, or, rather, I haven't been able to capture it. It's like working with little scraps of paper has become my lightning in a bottle, except nothing's caged -- everything's free and vibrant and wheeeee!

Even at work, I've figured out how to dress to make myself feel...well, myself, while still adhering to the dress code. Working's also got me more energized and ready to work on projects. Today, I got about 40 orders for the 'zine off in the mail and the rest are on my kitchen table or in the tub the happy post office woman let me take home to transport envelopes back and forth. Tomorrow, I'd LOVE to get some pretty pretty journals made with some beautiful home decor fabric I found, as well as the leftover Amy Butler fabric on my floor. Heee. A little secret -- I want to make a pretty online shop full of journals and online classes and supplies -- yesterday, a co-worker (who likes my 'zine!) said, "Wow, you're like the journal guru."

Yes! I said. I am! That's because I want to teach and inspire and create and live!

(as always, more journal pages @ flickr)

learn something new every day

Longer update soon! Love, Kira

Vlogging is fun (and not as easy as you'd think!)

A vlog update for y'all. I adore you all and am very, very thankful for all who read and all the wonderful comments on my last post. *hug* I am truly blessed to have you all along on my art-ful journey!

I'll be updating flickr this afternoon (just want to get the covers cut first!).

Love,
Kira

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Long-Winded Thoughts...

Yes, yes, I am here!

I just finished five straight days of work -- rather, I did yesterday. And all I did was sleep, sleep, sleep.... Today, I felt like a member of a herd of cattle as I visited a doctor's office for my scheduled Social Security Disability appointments; I saw the doctor all of three minutes, then back out to the utilitarian waiting room for another forty minute wait...then an hour and a half memory test in a bland room. All what you'd expect from a streamlined government process. It was tiring and made me feel about three inches tall; all those questions, the impersonal nature of the people. How could you believe they cared at all? All gave little pieces of advice, but you could tell they weren't listening, just wanted to get me out and feel good at the end of the day.

The whole thing made me feel. Sitting at home, everything that's happened felt impersonal -- losing my health insurance (and try, try, trying to get new coverage only to get rejected time and time again), not being able to afford medications or doctors' appointments, the creditors and phone calls, pending litigation, being that person, the one who shops at Wal-Mart and has to decide between paying off my bills and getting medication. There's a point where you're just resolved to being such a person, and you try not to think about it.

But sitting there, in a clinic, with others in my position, with the impersonal, poor quality service -- I'm a girl who's grown up in the suburbs, who's mom was on the PTA and worked at my school, who has always had the best of everything -- doctors, schools, clothes, I felt it all on my shoulders. This is who I am. And through it all, I wonder where I went wrong. Why do I live someplace where someone can strive for the American Dream only to be marginalized, denied, rejected?

I escape through my journal. Some days, I wonder why I carry it around everywhere when I don't even look at it for days. But then I'm reminded that I need it to run away, to escape all this crap that's fallen on my shoulders. I can't even tell you how happy I will be when 2007 is finally over. My brother was in the hospital this year. I was in a car accident, lost a job, and had to sit and watch as my parents' marriage began to buckle under the stress (there are, of course, many other things to contribute, but this is public, and some things remain private).

I've made it through five days in a row of work, something I was terrified I wouldn't be able to do; I was almost in tears as I drove home that final day, amazed I did it, survived. And while I've slept the last two days away, at least I showed myself what I can do when I put to my mind to it. But now comes the freezing, the stiffness of can I do it again? Will my body heal enough to keep this routine up? In the end, I don't have a choice -- it is either this or no meds, no car, no new supplies, no nothing.

I know many of you are wondering where your copy of the 'zine is.

I'm sorry I haven't been able to get it mailed out -- at the moment, it's sitting at Staples, but after the drive today and the waiting, going, waiting of this afternoon, I'm not up to driving a half hour to grab it. The last issue had problems with spelling and layout, so I've been knee deep in proofs, trying to make sure everything's perfect, spelled right. I cannot tell you how many times, after my first video, I was corrected for my wrong pronunciation of 'gesso.'

Part of putting yourself out on the internet is putting yourself out there for both the good and the bad. Most of the comments here have been wonderful, but just last week I was called some pretty disgusting things, half of which I'd never say. And I don't even check the comments on my videos anymore; while I appreciate and was touched by the girls who went to bat for me, I don't need to see anything that can be perceived as negative. Can you blame me? With all that's happened, I can't handle my escape and method of sharing being shattered as my life has been.

Yes, the 'zine will be sent out this week. Yes, I have gotten your emails and comments. Please just be direct with me, okay? I know I've failed, have disappointed, haven't been even the shadow of a good businesswoman. I am trying my best, REALLY trying. I will catch up on my emails and mailing list, I swear. I feel so horrible about taking forever and neglecting you all, I really do. And I'm sorry.

I've posted new pictures in the In-Progress Journal album; many of the changes were done yesterday in-between naps. I hope they provide some insight that's been lacking here in the last week.

Sunrises, Sunsets, & Life

Wow! Welcome back, everyone!

I really am enjoying putting together these videos; I’ve missed editing since my last project a year ago and only through these vids have a re-kindled that relationship. Yes, it’s hard, considering I went from a self-designed AVID system to iMovie HD (not to mention, I don’t own a video camera, so do these using the built-in iSight on my MacBook), but I’ll make do. I’ve learned even more about the program since last time and am feeling more and more comfortable with it.

The video’s compressing as I write this companion essay; there’s a process that ISN’T different than what I’m used to!

I’m no expert in YouTube etiquette, so please, set me straight. First, there’s spam, right? Or else I’m changin’ my name or something since one comment was one word: sex. Also, if you’re replying to a comment on my video, shouldn’t you take it into consideration that I’ll see when you write that the person who’s comment you’re replying to’s videos are, “better than this one?” I understand constructive criticism, and have taken many of your suggestions into effect with this video, but such downward comments should be privately traded. If you’re going to be negative, I don’t want to know.

This journal spread started in my head yesterday night, when we were driving home. I love driving up from the city when the sun’s setting, because I live northwest and can then see the sunset as a beautiful backdrop to my nighttime drive. This particular sunset had such beautifully matched colors and tones, I couldn’t take my eyes off it. I wanted to mesmerize each and every shade, all the while mentally cursing myself for forgetting a camera. Around me, the conversation turned from a birthday to a death, and I thought it amazing the two could coexist so comfortably as we drove.

Of course, that last bit of reflection came to me while I was creating the page. My intention, upon sitting down, was to use the colors from that sunset, the tickets in my pocket from the birthday party, and a snapshot I took with my phone. I thought it’d look pretty and I’d write about what I did.

Often, I pen my intentions on the page before I begin. The second layer covers them, but I feel that putting them to paper puts them out there into the universe and helps my brain switch into journal mode. While layers are drying, I’ll work on something else or go through my folders of stuff, pulling out anything that catches my eye. As you see in the video, I might go as far as prepping them to be in the entry, then discard them when the spread evolves past their inclusion.

On a side note, I’ve gotten the question about if I’ll be reprinting the first issue of my ‘zine. Since the second’s going to the printer’s at the end of this week, I don’t know if I’ll be able to until AFTER #2’s been printed and sent out – it’s just too crazy around here and I don’t want to get things mixed up. But! I will reprint at some point. Check back at the ‘zine’s site for any updates.