{finding my doodler spirit}

 

I’ve never considered myself a good doodler. Honest. I just don’t feel that I have a large enough internal doodling encyclopedia to create anything varied enough to not be boring

A couple months ago, one of the women at the mixed-media group I attend told me about this new pen she’d purchased off someone’s recommendation (and I’m sorry; I don’t remember the teacher’s name!) and how she loved it. “It wasn’t expensive at all!” 

When I started college, I got my first fountain pen. Nothing fancy or expensive, just a lime-green one I would write with. It feels cool to write with a fountain pen — if you’ve never tried it, you’re missing out! There is just something almost magical about writing with a fountain pen, the way the ink swishes from the nib, a smooth, continuous stream that isn’t dry like a ballpoint or even slick like a gel pen. But smooth. Flowing. It almost lends itself to transforming even your grocery list into a piece of art. 

But I lost that pen. And forgot the magic. It was replaced a few years later, and I carried it in my purse when I moved out to Los Angeles for a bit. It was snuggled in the little purse next to my very first visual journal, where paintings about airplanes and oceans were sandwiched between notes and plot ideas for scripts. I remember asking a writer for an autograph and having to say, “It’s a fountain pen!” when he tried to sign the program (Oh, Eric Kripke, I’m sorry for throwing that curve ball!). 

That, too, was lost. 

I never thought of applying a fountain pen to art until that meeting, in July, when I was reminded of the magic. You can draw with them? Many artists actually do? The only talk of ink with drawing I’d seen was from my own experiments writing and doodling on journal pages with a dip pen, and a few weeks over the summer when several people were discussing Noodler’s Ink. 

Why not? my inner voice asked. You can save up and get one and see what happens. 

I haven’t bought art supplies for myself in three weeks, darlings. Three glorious, fountain pen filled weeks. And I don’t regret it at all. 

The doodles on these journal pages were done as I sat idly in the morning, curled on myself, letting my mind wander. Each gesture, when I draw or write with my Lamy, is exaggerated. Swirls and swishes and hash-tag lines. Want a thicker line? Press down. Thinner? Less pressure. You don’t need much for the black ink to come out, and it works over anything. Magic. 


If you’ve read my post from today’s newsletter, you know how odd it is, to write that you don’t need a certain supply to make certain art. But I wanted to write this post, in conjunction, to show that when you have saved up, when you’ve waited and researched and gone to finally get that supply, cherish it. I wasn’t holding off on doodling or drawing because I didn’t have the fountain pen, but I sure am awash in joy from holding it, even if I’m writing my day’s to-do list. 

The pen I purchased is a Lamy Safari fountain pen, which costs $35. I also use a converter so I can draw & write with Noodler’s Bulletproof Black Ink.

{comfortable, lived in, & well-worn}

 

Despite having my desktop set up in my room as a “work space,” I often find myself slacking off while sitting there, projects that would have taken an hour eating up more and more time as I chat, surf, and start going through the stacks of tea cups and Diet Coke bottles that litter the “empty” half. There are some interesting things down there, including Important Papers, and then I’m distracted by them and work kind of….flitters away. 

If you’ve been following me since my move in October, you’ve heard me talk about The Cafe That I Go To. As a former Starbucks barista, I’d been conditioned to go there, or any other chain coffee house, but then I found this one, and wow, does it feel comfortable. For one, none of the chairs really match. There are little pillows on them (and my feet are up on the table’s other chair, the pillow comfy under my bare, clean feet). 

This is where people come to read a book or work on schoolwork. Being so close to Arizona State University at Tempe, there are always students leaning over tables highlighting photocopies or discussing group projects. But you’ll also find the professors in here with heaping stacks of essays to grade (or perhaps that’s just the TA?). There will be moms and children or just friends chatting. Yes, there are more MacBooks than anything else (and I feel like I’ve just been given a seat at the Big Kid’s Table with my “new” one). 

The thing is, no one is really here for a quick cup of coffee. I don’t think most people even get coffee — tea is the norm. No, here, everyone is camped out, their tables littered with all they need, books to reference, empty cups from the last time they got a refill, newspapers, cell phones, notebooks. We’re here for the Long Haul, ensconced at our tables and connected to the very walls with power cords snaking to expanded outlets. There are board games and random old books you can borrow, decks of cards, even a dictionary.

Everything is lived in, comfortable and worn away at the edges, a place where you become a regular after your first visit. 

I know the baristas here, as well as the woman who owns the place. And her sons. And grandson. And husband. It is one of those places were we’re all here to get things done, to belong and enjoy. Fridays, a jazz band plays. Saturdays, it’s game night. 

And for some reason, whenever I come here and unload my bag, put my notebook and markers and tape on the table, open my laptop, get out my cell phone, plug in my headphones to listen to classic rock, I melt into the chair and everything becomes so open and easy, I may simply give up on living in my apartment and just stay here. 

It is so rare, these days, to find a place that just flows with zen. There aren’t many ads. There’s art everywhere. No corporation breathing down your neck, just a family and a bunch of kids who are smart and kind and good at their jobs.  

Makes me wonder why the rest of the world can’t be like this. 

------

A few post-entry notes: 

1. I have added a drop-down link up in the navigation bar to the entries posted to the newsletter. I figured it would be nice to have a little archive of the essays I write (mostly) weekly and send out, as I may soon expand it to being more often (an opt-in option, rest-assured). 

2. I am currently Re-Aligning my website and have decided to do this in real-time. Which means you get to experience the changes as I make them. It may be fun. It may be difficult. But it's something I knew I was ready for (more on this tomorrow). 

{what to say when you don't know you have something to say}

 

Okay, I rushed this. 

I’ve been On the Ball this week. All my videos and the PDF for True to You 2 were finished and posted by noon, today, without me having to sacrifice sleep or sanity. I got my to-do list down, more or less (less, mostly, because I’d much rather play in my journal than work on it!). I cleaned out my inbox so I can get to all those messages I said I’d answer later and then never did (though one got lost, and was re-written today). I’m trying to get more organized so as to show the Universe I am ready for all these opportunities coming at me, and that I’d like some more, please!

Thursday was to be spent painting with Becca, but we ended up wandering Hobby Lobby and then the closing Borders nearby, hunting for magazines to cut apart. Have you ever gone wandering with a friend? The excitement is catching, and you just have such fun pointing things out. And then dinner. 

I know the image of an artist is one who spends days alone in the studio, painting and dancing and listening to music. Or working all the time (I have a few artistic friends who work much longer hours than me, dedicated to their businesses). Which is a lot of it. Art takes introspection, time to reflect and go inside yourself to tap into your soul to figure out what it is you need to say. 

Note need, not want. There are words inside us we’re screaming in our heads — or images or concepts — that must come out. And art or writing is how we do it. 

 

But here’s the problem. When I sat down to work on my paintings this week, I didn’t have anything to say. I still have things that are processing, are being mulled over (my journal is getting a lot of attention as of late, and has changed, once again, in style and intent). So what to do? 

First, I worked on a canvas I started months ago and never finished. And found a message in it through the symbols and bits I was drawing. I figured out what I said above — that I’m not scared of all that’s happening, not feeling unworthy, but am ready for more. Ready to go beyond this little apartment in the desert and expand further than I can see. Can imagine. And I think you’ll get there, too.  

The second is just a doodle. A small scene. 

When I asked my brother, “Is this done?” He grasped the first painting in his hands and said:

“I love it! I want to have it. Can I have it? Can I hang it in my room?” 

I can’t think of a better compliment. 

Here are this week's canvases:

Nolwenn's done a bunch!

And Cuchy has gone crazy with awesome textures!

 

{losing our balance}

 

I think I’m in a much different mindspace than I was when I began working on a blog post this morning. There is nothing more re-aligning than getting out -- away from deadlines and issues and your comfort zone, whether it be a favorite chair or your cubicle at work. We may believe we need to work all the time in order to make more, accomplish more, be more, but that isn’t true. 

At all. 

What we need to do is cultivate the relationships around us. Take a day off to spend it wandering with a friend, eat dinner while telling stories and laughing, drink a cold one and watch crap telly under a shared blanket. For all the digital world has to offer, all those matters of prestige and popularity shown through Followers and Likes, it doesn’t mean a thing when you sign off the computer and get back to who you are

Maybe we’re all losing our balance, one hand on the wheel while our eyes are checking emails on our phones. Which isn’t to disparage phones -- I can go days without actually touching a computer for more than editing video or typing longer pieces (though I greatly prefer writing by hand in brightly-colored composition books with a fountain pen), yet feel no less disconnected than when I’d spend days upon days in front of a screen. What relationships are being formed, there? 

I do have a great many friends I know as letters on a screen. But I no longer need to be tied down to a computer in a room, sheltered from such amazing concepts as sunlight and grass and the sound of cars on a nearby road. I can be out there, hiking a mountain or listening to a radio program in the gym and be just as connected. 

Recently, when disparaged about enrollment numbers and bank account balances, I realized something: I can’t work a regular job. And I don’t think I really want to (I’ve had enough time in Cubicle Land, thank you!). Fibromyalgia may keep me from finding and keeping that soul-sucking “normal” job I need to pay all my bills and such, but here’s the thing:

What would I be doing differently if I weren’t filling my days with writing and art? Would I be making more money, it magically appearing from between the couch cushions? Or would I be exactly where I am now, except a bit less happy, less connected, and so bottled up inside myself, I wouldn’t have any idea how to connect. 

This week, I wrote damn near an essay on my life, now. On friendship and what it means to me. And I was surprised not only by the people who replied that I had no idea I’d touched in some way, but by those I thought I was friends with who said not a peep. I like being surprised. I like doing things that are so frightening, any response is a good one. I like sitting and chatting and connecting and being. I want to do more than play in a race against other, big-name artists and writers, and let things that happen on this screen get to me so much. 

So I’m going to make my job. I am going to do it to the best of my ability. And that is it. Nothing more, nothing less. I want to sit at the end of my life and know I’ve lived a good life, all the while standing up for myself against those who just don’t understand. 

{when everything clicks into place}

 

(unfinished. I don't know how I feel about her, yet!)

This week nearly killed me.

I’m not exaggerating, though there are no near-misses, major accidents, or life-altering events. Instead, it was the slow burn of a 400m dash with hurdles along the way.

Lots and lots of hurdles.

When I thought I’d surmounted one, another was ready to hit me in the face. I tripped over a few and ended up tangled in the metal bars on the ground, knees skinned, head reverberating from my teeth slamming together as I fell. Halfway down the track, I was bruised and bloodied with tears falling from moist cheeks.

And while I was getting back up and trying again and again, I wondered:

When do the hurdles go from creating a stronger you to a sign from the universe that you’re on the wrong path? 

For the last three days, I’ve been asking myself this question. At what point do you give up and throw in the towel? Walk off the track with mangled hurdles in your wake?

I think a lot of us go through periods in our lives when we ask ourselves this very question. When you’re wondering if giving in is the easy way out or the right way to go. I’ve learned I work best when in the flow, when working in-line with the Divine. But I think I’ve also taken this to mean that when I’m not in that flow, I’m not in-line with my destiny. And we hear this all the time, from self-help and creativity books. That inspiration pulls you where you need to go. 

This is not always the truth. Sometimes, you’re going to get beat up and bloody and right when you’re strength is waining, everything clicks into place. 

My plight was centered around technology. Technology I know how to use. Stuff I love doing and have for the past seven years (which means I graduated from college five years ago and wow). Stuff I want to take to the next level. And I pushed myself so hard, so very, very hard, that I’ve been sobbing, on and off, for the past week. I’ve shattered like glass. My stomach has been in knots so tight, I’ve had to force myself to eat because it was painful. I’ve not been sleeping. My pain has been at record high levels.

Stress is horrible, my darlings.

But I got it to magically work today, my deadline. I sang to the heavens and began to loosen up. I worked for seven hours and am sitting here finished. It is done. On time. Quality work.

I’ve gotten down the track and come out to clear space. It is time to take care of myself, tend to my wounds, and realize that, from here on out, it’s a piece of cake when compared to the stress-colored hell of the past month.

And damn if that isn’t a wonderful feeling. 

(And here is my first canvas from this week!)


I’ve only gotten two links this week for the Out of the Journal Challenge, so give them extra love. My second canvas is ¾ of the way done -- but remember, it’s about progress, not a finished product, so I am excited to say I’m still on track!

More Fairytale work from Sandra!

Marcia's done great work, but I'm linking to her whole blog because it's so inspiring!

{capturing a glimpse of the ideal you}

 

This all began with a photograph.

I have never truly considered myself beautiful. Pretty, maybe, but not beautiful. My face has scars from an acne-filled adolescence (and 20’s, to be honest, as I’ve never been completely blemish-free). My eyes slope a bit. I have glasses. My top lip curves my mouth into a frown, caused by my younger self playing under a table on vacation and hitting it on the naked metal edge when I came back up to the surface, severing the muscle that holds it down. I haven’t been hugely popular with the guys, and never really had any aspirations to be a beauty queen.

Aging happens gradually when we’re there every day. I still, at times, feel like a college student -- all those freedoms and growing responsibilities -- instead of a woman in her late 20’s.

(And oh, does it hurt to admit that!)

I’ve always felt like a kid pretending to be an adult. There are circumstances in my life that have kept me from some rights of passage, such as getting my own apartment (lasted a few months), having a steady job (part-time only, and only with poor health as a result), going out with friends my age (most of my friends are older than me!). And so, I’ve always felt like an impostor in an older body. I’m blessed with that sought-after You-Look-Younger-Than-You-Are appearance, and I don’t know if that’s genetics or an outward projection of internal feelings.

I spoke last week about striving to be an Ideal You, and when I saw this photograph, I had to stop and look. 

 


How can that woman possibly be me?


She has the beauty I’ve always wanted. The age and experience in hazel-green eyes. Her hair actually looks good. Brilliant, even. Make-up is just perfect -- not too much, but just enough.

Even a week after finding it, I still find myself looking at the photograph, trying to find some trace of myself in the image. In all honesty, it isn’t a photograph -- it is a still from a video I filmed a few weeks ago, just a random spot I paused on to run from the room for a reason I can no longer remember. But I remember walking back into the room, catching the preview window in the corner of my eye, and feeling my breath catch. 

Now, when I’m ‘faking it ‘till I make it,’ I know that I’ve already made it, and on those days when I feel silly-young or out of my depth, I can just glace over and know reaching my Ideal You isn’t a level you reach and maintain, but one you hit, on your amazing days, and strive for on your lowest ones. 

{louder than a paintbrush - out of the journal week #2}

 

'Split Soul' 10"x8" mixed-media on gessoboard

I’ve become enamoured by abstract expressionism.

It began, as many of my artistic pursuits have, with experimentation. I don’t think I fully understood what I was doing or really saying when I started, but now, I feel that a new world of expression has opened up for me.

I like to share my art as I’m creating it (both online and in person) and with past work, have gotten compliments and smiles and the like. But as I did my paintings for this week, I got something new, something different -- people had their own interpretations of what I was painting.

I felt like I was finally telling a story that could reach people. With every layer I added, I was excited to share what I was working on to see what would be seen. Instead of painting literally, I was speaking in metaphor (which, as you can tell, I love, as I am, primarily, a writer).

I became giddy with excitement as people picked out what I was trying to say as it applied to their lives.

Suddenly, I’m a painter who’s been given a microphone, a tool to amplify my story, my own self-exploration and expression, instead of a simple brush.

Check out these others who have worked on canvases for week two!

Ruth’s Inspired Paintings: Me *blushes* and Dina
Sandra’s Fairytale Divas
Katie shares her process and creates a mermaid from a sketch
Nolwenn shares her first two weeks of canvases
I just love Marcia’s colorful and expressive paintings!
Cuchy is inspired and plays with texture
Ashlyn paints a gorgeous Fleur de Lis

If I’ve forgotten anyone, let me know! 

{digging to figure things out}

 

This is part one of a series of posts I’ll be sharing over the next two weeks or so on the ideas around who we are, what makes us ourselves, and truly digging to figure things out.

I think all of us have this idea of the Ideal You. This person you’re striving to become, an image you hold in your mind as you go about your day, trying to adjust things, shift a bit here and there, sliding through what comes naturally and what is forced, in order to align yourself with what you want to be.

We all do this. Think of the advice, “Fake it ‘till you make it.” It’s something I think on, often, when caught in circumstances outside my control, when I want to wail and complain instead of doing something about it.

(Which is important. I re-learned that recently, and will write about that in another blog post.)

So I pretend I know what I’m doing. Pretend there aren’t roadblocks in my way, that everything will work out, that there’s nothing to the fear griping my heart. It makes taking risks easier, but can also block out those trickier aspects of life that need honest, heartfelt attention.

Sometimes, it can be difficult to find a balance. And often, we lose ourselves completely while we think we’re making great strides in the right direction. It’s a gradual process, a shedding of skin as we walk forward in the sunshine, trying to reach for stars that only appear at night. But I think, as we do this, we lose much more than the negatives we’re trying to walk away from. That, in taking a self-inventory, we mistake strength or ability for something too abrasive for our new Ideal Self and thus, shed it with everything else.
It is amazing that in finding ourselves, we lose ourselves as well.

My friend said to me this week, “What happened to that girl I knew in high school? You were on the ball, and even intimidated me sometimes.”

Which is a good question, and one I didn’t have an answer to.

In high school, I was sharp, witty, and sarcastic. I didn’t take shit from anyone, and I was often the loudest voice in the room. When a teacher told me I’d never get higher than a C in English class, having been absent for a month to recover from a bad fall, I told her to shut it and finished the year with a B+. I laughed and took charge and stung people with my sarcasm. Yes, I had problems, was going through my own issues, but wow, was I a spitfire.

So who was this girl, sitting at the table, shy and quiet and just taking all the shit?

And I realized that, somewhere over the past two years, I’d folded. Threw in my cards and decided to not even play the game. I was willing to take insults and yelling; I was willing to give up my voice to avoid confrontation. To be honest, I’m sick of it. Tired. Done. And that is the mistake I made. 

 

In wanting to avoid confrontation, I’d silenced myself.