YOU ARE WORTHY

AH! I have a blog! Between working on Daring Adventures in Paint (which is awesome, btw, and if you want to paint more & be inspired, I recommend it!)​, keeping up with Digital Adventures, getting Creative Warriors all set for May, & my own need to PAINT ALL THE THINGS (especially with spray paint), I am a crazy woman on the edge of I CAN DO IT / OMG WHAT IS FREE TIME. *laughs* A good fencepost to be balancing on, yes!

I promise to share the deets of my impromptu and magical adventures in Berkeley and San Francisco (not limited to Public Transit is Confusing, Did I Really Get a Ride from a Stranger, Blick Owns My Heart, FACE TO FACE OMG, Magical Artists, & more!)​ this weekend, but for today, I wanted to share an important message. 

Prompted by a comment made by a friend, I filmed this intro for Creative Warrior's April project, and felt it was too important not to share....I even choked up while I was editing. ​I've done a LOT of work on myself, and know what it feels like to feel lazy, useless, or a waste because you need to CHILL OUT and REST (two things that are VERY good for you!). But THEY AREN'T TRUE. YOU ARE WORTHY AND WONDERFUL. So view my video below. 

I'm also sharing a piece I finished today that will be up in the Etsy shop as prints on Monday. ​

Now, I shall attempt to tackle my inbox. *winces but is brave!*​

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The Open Hearts of Others (a story!)

I want to tell you a story. 

​A few weeks ago, I was suffering from sleep deprivation. It had been building up since mid-February, and by the time I next saw my doctor, I was in tears. I cried the entire time there, through the appointment, and finally calmed down when my kind doctor told me to keep my chin up, and that we were going to figure things out. He's always asking me to call him, to keep lines of communication open, and even works with health-insurance-less me. 

However much he discounts, it still took much of my saved up funds. I hadn't been able to work much, either on art ventures or editing work, and was a little low. So when I arrived at the pharmacy to drop off what would hopefully be able to help me sleep, and was told the prescription would cost $170, I felt the tears well up. "I can't afford it, so please, just hold onto the script." I had felt salvation in my hands only to be barred from it because of how much medications -- even this one, a generic -- can cost. 

I decided to get a week's worth, to see if it actually worked; this was the six -- or is it seventh? -- medication to try ever since my Traumatic Brain Injury last March threw me for a loop. I will forever admire those football players who get a concussion and keep on playing, because let me tell you -- a TBI is no walk in the park. Sleep interruption, mood changes, personality issues, anxiety, and nearly daily headaches (luckily, eliminating gluten from my diet has helped clear up the migraines that developed afterwards!) permeates every moment of your life. ​

When I walked in, after waiting for the script to be filled, one of the girls, who is always bubbly, excited, and kind, held out the prescription and said, "I found a coupon that brought the price down to $18, for the entire month's worth​!" 

This time, when tears fell from my eyes, they were of eternal gratitude and joy. She didn't have to do anything. She didn't have to go out of her way to find a solution for me. She said, "I wanted to call you as soon as I found it!" I leaned over the counter to pull her into a hug, so, so touched that God had put these people -- my kind, understanding doctor, this new pharmacy tech -- in my path on a difficult day. ​

And the medication works! I am once again sleeping, back to a healthy diet, working my behind off (new class, new zine, new videos, new new new new!), creating new art, crafting new editing solutions (playing and diving into my new practice of being a colorist!), and running around enjoying the heck out of life​!

So today, I sat down to paint her a gift....for my art is the one thing I can truly give from my heart. I thought on her gift (she has since found another​ coupon to save me $5 more dollars, always knows who I am when I go to grab meds, and is cheerful each time I see her!), letting my joy and her kindness guide my hands. 

I have lately discovered my "style" and "colors" for painting people, and am so excited to dive deeper, so made a little picture of an Open Heart being freely given. She touched me so much​, and I wanted to share this story because we sometimes think these things will never happen to us, but they will​. We are loving, caring people, a race of humans who have hearts and eyes and the ability to give so much, and every so often, God puts the right people in your path at just​ the right moment to remind you of this. 

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(The colors are a bit flat, but that's probably because I'm in love with neon and used a bunch in her hair! And she has a coat of varnish that protects her and makes her shiny!)

Re*Think

The three of us sat there,
Life of Brian playing off an old VHS,
each of us creating in our own ways. 

I was tipsy and happy and full of warm, yummy soup.
And so I began to create.
To doodle and add water and color, & thought about the day. ​

It is time to go deeper.
To re-think the days of my life,
the art I create,
why and who and where and how.
To open my Third Eye, meditate, see, think, BE.
Deeper than ever before, scrambled and new. ​

What about you?​

​12"x12" mixed-media on canvas

​12"x12" mixed-media on canvas

Listening Past the Noise to Her Wild Self

This painting came with me to the undertow and rode the storm with me.​
It picked me up and carried me to shore. 

It wasn't an easy journey. This wasn't done in a day, or two, or three.
But weeks. Hours and hours spent with detail brushes.
Pushing the very boundaries of my abilities.
Challenging me. 
Cleaning me out. Pulled out all the wires and bits and what-makes-me-me until it reached my heart. 
And plucked it from my chest. 

My brains are scrambled, my feet unsteady;
when it put me back down, I stumbled along.
She was hard-won, fought for with blood, sweat, and tears.
The deepest painting experience I've ever had. ​

She is surrounded by Noise.
By the constant sensory input of chronic pain,
​over-stimulated and straining to BE, to think, to be CLEAR.
But she's going to Listen past it all. 

A week ago, I had a vision.
I was me, with feathers in my hair, with moccasins on my feet,
reconnected to my Native heritage,
surrounded by animals.
​It has been swimming in my head since then, 
all the peace I felt,
the Oneness,
the Truth of who I am underneath. 

That is what she is.
She is Me, under it all.
Past it all.
A Dream of Me.
Listening Past the Noise to Her Wild Self.​

I am ready to Listen, to Be, to Create. ​

​24"x24" mixed-media on wood

​24"x24" mixed-media on wood